Perception Check - Tom Cardy.mp3

[00:00.000] 作词 : Tom Cardy
[00:00.129] 作曲 : Tom Cardy
[00:00.258] 编曲 : Tom Cardy
[00:00.387] 制作人 : Tom Cardy
[00:00.517] On the horizon of this forest path, you see a group of dark cloaked figures slowly trudging towards you. What do you do?
[00:06.100] My half-orc barbarian braces her greathammer and—that's a One
[00:09.148] Critical fail. Steve, what do you do?
[00:10.765] Well, I believe in anticipation, my rogue would try and hide behind a tree—okay, I rolled a One
[00:15.001] That's another critical fail. Tom, what does your human bard do?
[00:18.164] Active Perception Check
[00:19.700] ...That's a Natural 20
[00:20.681] Let's ****ing go
[00:22.182]
[00:23.079] I feel it in my fingers
[00:25.138] I feel it in my toes
[00:27.421] These mother****ers mean to harm us
[00:30.104] And they got to go, so come on, get 'em now!
[00:32.366] You picked the wrong day to **** around with my
[00:34.558] Tight crew, oh ho
[00:36.659] There's no escaping it, I can perceive you
[00:38.766] And here's what we're gonna do
[00:39.978]
[00:41.155] Me and my boys gonna mess you up
[00:43.490] I rolled a One, I rolled a One, ****
[00:45.724] My boys are otherwise engaged
[00:47.824] So I'm gonna bring it all myself
[00:49.301]
[00:49.734] Hey, I forgot, you're supposed to tell me what I see, right?
[00:52.108] Yes, thank you. Let's just slow it all down a bit.
[00:54.414] So, you notice that one of the hooded figures is a little shorter—
[00:56.665] I cast Vicious Mockery. Nat 20, let's go
[00:57.452]
[00:59.038] You're a short mother****er and nobody likes you
[01:02.740] SHORT!
[01:02.960] Everybody says "Look how ****ing short that guy is"
[01:05.019] And that stops you from forming meaningful relationships
[01:07.840] And when you were born, everybody thought
[01:09.707] That you were just a head, but then the doctor said
[01:12.114] "Wait, this stupid mutha****in' tiny short ass
[01:14.319] Baby got a tiny little itty bitty body and I hate it"
[01:16.437]
[01:16.887] Your attack lands and absolutely shatters the mind of the cloaked figure. Perception Check, please
[01:20.842] Nat 20, let's go!
[01:21.883] You perceive the figure was so short because it was a CHILD
[01:24.394] It's always a kid
[01:25.224] Specifically the child you've been looking for for the last 15 days game time and 5 days of our actual lives
[01:29.640] Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'll be better. ****, his body's just lying there, right? Right?
[01:37.240] Yes...? Don't—
[01:38.056]
[01:38.944] Loot that body (Gotta loot that body now!)
[01:40.962] Loot that body! (Gotta loot that mother****er!)
[01:43.195] Playing my flute when I loot that dead kid's body
[01:47.326] Bitch